My heart is bursting forth with so much. Today was challenging and I obviously am not perfect but I feel accomplished and overly joyful today. Things were really not that different than any other day. However my attitude was completely different. I did not raise my voice or yell no matter how frustrated or upset I was.
I played a game with Andrew, well two games and he did great. He won the first one and even though he wasn't happy about me winning the second one instead of getting upset he laughed after losing. This is a huge accomplishment for him. However I have completely tried to change my attitude and be more demure and very different from how I have always acted. I want to be very different from who I have been and I feel that I am putting in the dedication and hard work that it is going to take to get there.
I realized today just how lucky I am to have the perfect husband for me. I love Shane with all of my heart and my new goal is to focus strongly on being a good wife to him and a good mother to our four kids. I am trying to stay calm, quiet, and do all of the things that I have not tried in the past.
There are some other realizations that I have had. I realized today that I would have chosen to be completely different in life if I had known how amazing it would be to fall in love with Shane. I honestly would have waited my entire life for him. I would have even kept myself away from hugging boys before because that could only lead to mixed up hormonal feelings. He is everything that I feel that God intended for me.
Since he doesn't go to church some might ask how I can feel this strongly and how I can be so willing to follow a Godly plan without him professing his strength or belief in God. Here are my beliefs....
I believe that God will only bless me as I attempt to purify my heart and soul. I believe that by showing Shane God's love and by trying to be a demure bride (hee hee hee for those of you that know me demure is probably the last word in the dictionary that you would use to describe me) that he will come to a realization that church and God are not what he thinks that they are. At this time I strongly believe that he is going to be willing to come to church with me and that he will choose to change his life. I could never doubt us being meant for each other because there is no way that I could ever feel as much passion and love for someone that was not meant to be mine.
Friday, October 11, 2013
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Giving Back My Life
So I grew up in church, followed God's ways but faltered and fell when things were bad. I ended up blaming God and declared head strong that I could do it on my own. One failed marriage down and I still didn't turn to God, nope I was so head strong I believed that I could continue to do things on my own.
Two marriages down and I honestly didn't decide to devote myself and my life back to God until I knew that this is what was needed for me to be happy. I can't find happiness on my own. Although I am completely happy with Shane I know that there are some things about myself that I need to change and so I will be doing this through God's grace.
What I am about to post is a bit controversial. The old me would say that I was crazy and that there is no way that I could be happy in what I am about to try but the new me realizes that if I am truly devoting myself to God and trying to live out his plan for my life then I will be able to find true joy and peace. This ultimately will lead to a happiness that I have never experienced before.
I have been reading a book and I am intrigued at the ideas that I am hearing about. In the Bible Eve was given to Adam as a gift to be a help meet. This means that she was given to him for his pleasure and to help him through life. The idea behind this is that if you are not submitting to your husband you are not able to truly get to where you want to be.
Now at first when I read this I will admit that I instantly had negative thoughts of a controlling and abusive husband. However the idea is not that Shane will control what I do or say but instead that when I seek his approval he will learn to love and appreciate me more. As he loves me more he will desire to do more for me and therefore we will work more cohesively together.
What it took for me to realize that this might be what I need was to focus on the things that I am unhappy with in my life right now. The following is a list of things that I am unhappy with and why I believe that leaning on Shane and following his lead would improve the situations at hand.
**I am unhappy with where I live. Don't get me wrong, I actually love our charming home and I love that it is an older home with lots of character. However I do not love that I live in Canton IL and I am not happy living somewhere that is so far from a big city. This might not be the desire of everyone but I am a city girl through and through. I love the fast paced high speed traffic, the busy activities going on and the fact that you can find anything that you need today instead of having to order it online and wait.
--The fact is that I made Shane purchase a home here. I forced him to move here where I wanted to be and didn't take into consideration that he had a job and friends where he lived. I didn't think about the fact that I didn't have many friends here or that the best time of life was when I lived in Indy. I thought about a strong desire to be closer to my family and a selfish desire to not want to be in the car all of the time driving Andrew back and forth.
**I believe and have faith that in following God's will for our life and following Shane's wishes for a move that we will be happier in the long run. I believe that God will allow our home to sell quickly and that he will help us to be able to find the perfect home for our family.
**I am unhappy with the weight that I have gained over the years.
--The fact is that I have now struggled with trying to lose it on my own. Instead of that I am going to give it up to God. I am asking that God help me and that he allow me to be at a weight where I can feel comfortable, happy and confident in myself.
**I believe that with daily prayer, watching what I eat, exercising, and following God's will for my life that he will allow me to be at the weight where he wants me to be. I am going to accept that and pray that he show me how to be healthier and that he help me to reap the benefits of trying to be better at things so that I can really feel healthy and confident once again. I feel in some ways that the weight issues that I have are a punishment for past transgressions and sins and that I have had to learn some hard lessons before God would allow me to lose the weight.
**I am unhappy that our household seems to be in discord from time to time.
--I have not respected Shane and his wishes as a wife should. Instead I have been determined to do what I wanted and to say what I wanted even if I knew that it was wrong.
**I believe that by allowing Shane to be the man of the house and to have the final say with all things that we will be blessed with a happier home that has less stress and fewer fights.
**I am unhappy that I become such a lazy mom, that our house always seems to need something done, and that I have become a pack rat.
--I have not done what I should and am now reaping the rewards of my actions (in this case the rewards of clutter and disarray are not good but what I have to work with).
**I made charts for myself and for the kids to help us all work towards keeping our house nicer. One thing on my chart is to get rid of five things each day. While this might sound extreme I know that I will be able to work through our house and de-clutter in a very simple way compared to trying to tackle such large projects all at once. I am working on learning how to take baby steps instead of long jumping in to whatever I am doing.
**I am unhappy with our financial situation. Yes we have all that we need and we have most of the extras that we want but saving on top of these things has not been possible. I want to be able to save for a move. My goal would be to be able to save $15,000 over the next 4-6 months. This would help us to be able to get rid of a lot of stuff when we moved and to be able to afford to purchase a number of new items for our new home. It would also allow us to pay for moving vans and other needs that we have. As well as for us to be out of any debt aside from student loans that we might have (medical bills and a few credit cards)
--I have never discussed our finances with Shane. Not that I didn't think about it I just thought that we were fine with him paying for bills and saying if we had enough extra money for things and me spending the income that I had on the kids.
**I believe that if I start discussing all of the purchases that I make and discuss with Shane all of the income that I have come in as well as anything I would like to pay out that I will be blessed with more work opportunities and the ability to make more money.
**Finally I have become unhappy with the lack of communication and intimacy in my relationship. We are still intimate but I feel as though things are different. The book I was reading talked about how ugly we look when we are angry and mad. I know that I am showing that side of myself more than I ever thought that I would through the stress of the kids and everything going on in our lives.
--I am not allowing my husband to be the lead of our house. I am trying to take control and in the end it is not only hurting me but everyone around me as I have become a bitter and angry person that I just do not recognize.
**By allowing Shane to be the head of our home I will be able to more easily communicate with him and I will be able to become a happier individual. Through my newfound happiness I will be able to find more intimacy because my husband will re-fall in love with me and remember everything that he loved about me in the first place.
I know that some of you might disagree with me discussing the things that are on my heart and my soul and admitting to so many of my faults but I want to be someone that I have not felt like lately. I want to be a better wife and mom. For that to happen I am going to have to do something drastic and try something new for my family to make it and for us to be joyous and happy in our home.
Two marriages down and I honestly didn't decide to devote myself and my life back to God until I knew that this is what was needed for me to be happy. I can't find happiness on my own. Although I am completely happy with Shane I know that there are some things about myself that I need to change and so I will be doing this through God's grace.
What I am about to post is a bit controversial. The old me would say that I was crazy and that there is no way that I could be happy in what I am about to try but the new me realizes that if I am truly devoting myself to God and trying to live out his plan for my life then I will be able to find true joy and peace. This ultimately will lead to a happiness that I have never experienced before.
I have been reading a book and I am intrigued at the ideas that I am hearing about. In the Bible Eve was given to Adam as a gift to be a help meet. This means that she was given to him for his pleasure and to help him through life. The idea behind this is that if you are not submitting to your husband you are not able to truly get to where you want to be.
Now at first when I read this I will admit that I instantly had negative thoughts of a controlling and abusive husband. However the idea is not that Shane will control what I do or say but instead that when I seek his approval he will learn to love and appreciate me more. As he loves me more he will desire to do more for me and therefore we will work more cohesively together.
What it took for me to realize that this might be what I need was to focus on the things that I am unhappy with in my life right now. The following is a list of things that I am unhappy with and why I believe that leaning on Shane and following his lead would improve the situations at hand.
**I am unhappy with where I live. Don't get me wrong, I actually love our charming home and I love that it is an older home with lots of character. However I do not love that I live in Canton IL and I am not happy living somewhere that is so far from a big city. This might not be the desire of everyone but I am a city girl through and through. I love the fast paced high speed traffic, the busy activities going on and the fact that you can find anything that you need today instead of having to order it online and wait.
--The fact is that I made Shane purchase a home here. I forced him to move here where I wanted to be and didn't take into consideration that he had a job and friends where he lived. I didn't think about the fact that I didn't have many friends here or that the best time of life was when I lived in Indy. I thought about a strong desire to be closer to my family and a selfish desire to not want to be in the car all of the time driving Andrew back and forth.
**I believe and have faith that in following God's will for our life and following Shane's wishes for a move that we will be happier in the long run. I believe that God will allow our home to sell quickly and that he will help us to be able to find the perfect home for our family.
**I am unhappy with the weight that I have gained over the years.
--The fact is that I have now struggled with trying to lose it on my own. Instead of that I am going to give it up to God. I am asking that God help me and that he allow me to be at a weight where I can feel comfortable, happy and confident in myself.
**I believe that with daily prayer, watching what I eat, exercising, and following God's will for my life that he will allow me to be at the weight where he wants me to be. I am going to accept that and pray that he show me how to be healthier and that he help me to reap the benefits of trying to be better at things so that I can really feel healthy and confident once again. I feel in some ways that the weight issues that I have are a punishment for past transgressions and sins and that I have had to learn some hard lessons before God would allow me to lose the weight.
**I am unhappy that our household seems to be in discord from time to time.
--I have not respected Shane and his wishes as a wife should. Instead I have been determined to do what I wanted and to say what I wanted even if I knew that it was wrong.
**I believe that by allowing Shane to be the man of the house and to have the final say with all things that we will be blessed with a happier home that has less stress and fewer fights.
**I am unhappy that I become such a lazy mom, that our house always seems to need something done, and that I have become a pack rat.
--I have not done what I should and am now reaping the rewards of my actions (in this case the rewards of clutter and disarray are not good but what I have to work with).
**I made charts for myself and for the kids to help us all work towards keeping our house nicer. One thing on my chart is to get rid of five things each day. While this might sound extreme I know that I will be able to work through our house and de-clutter in a very simple way compared to trying to tackle such large projects all at once. I am working on learning how to take baby steps instead of long jumping in to whatever I am doing.
**I am unhappy with our financial situation. Yes we have all that we need and we have most of the extras that we want but saving on top of these things has not been possible. I want to be able to save for a move. My goal would be to be able to save $15,000 over the next 4-6 months. This would help us to be able to get rid of a lot of stuff when we moved and to be able to afford to purchase a number of new items for our new home. It would also allow us to pay for moving vans and other needs that we have. As well as for us to be out of any debt aside from student loans that we might have (medical bills and a few credit cards)
--I have never discussed our finances with Shane. Not that I didn't think about it I just thought that we were fine with him paying for bills and saying if we had enough extra money for things and me spending the income that I had on the kids.
**I believe that if I start discussing all of the purchases that I make and discuss with Shane all of the income that I have come in as well as anything I would like to pay out that I will be blessed with more work opportunities and the ability to make more money.
**Finally I have become unhappy with the lack of communication and intimacy in my relationship. We are still intimate but I feel as though things are different. The book I was reading talked about how ugly we look when we are angry and mad. I know that I am showing that side of myself more than I ever thought that I would through the stress of the kids and everything going on in our lives.
--I am not allowing my husband to be the lead of our house. I am trying to take control and in the end it is not only hurting me but everyone around me as I have become a bitter and angry person that I just do not recognize.
**By allowing Shane to be the head of our home I will be able to more easily communicate with him and I will be able to become a happier individual. Through my newfound happiness I will be able to find more intimacy because my husband will re-fall in love with me and remember everything that he loved about me in the first place.
I know that some of you might disagree with me discussing the things that are on my heart and my soul and admitting to so many of my faults but I want to be someone that I have not felt like lately. I want to be a better wife and mom. For that to happen I am going to have to do something drastic and try something new for my family to make it and for us to be joyous and happy in our home.
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